relationships

Three Words

this is why i didn’t want to say it

once it leaves my lips it’s there
in the air
twisting in the wind for eternity
and i feel it everywhere
i’m swimming in it
drowning rather

i let it get me
i let it take me under
and i hate it

i hate you on my mind all the time
its exhausting and i have insomnia
i told you it would come
i told you it would end this way
self sabotage is my best friend
and she never lets me down

a.absi

img via tumblr.

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10/19

When someone starts to go out of their way to make your life easier (especially when your life is pretty complicated and exhausting) it does, in result, make your life much easier. But in exchange, it adds difficulty to theirs.

And I know, those who give should not expect in return.
And I know, those who go out of their way to help someone are doing it out of their own will.

But it must, at some point, become damaging to the person and/or the relationship as a whole.

And I know, that the taker can give back in return in other ways, but what if it doesn’t compare?
What if it isn’t enough?
What is it isn’t as often?

Is this what leads us to expectations and standards? And when they stops expending, is this what leads us to feel unloved and conclusively lead to downfall?

I Found Peace.

I found peace in the crisp Autumn air
in the birds chirping over there
in the sun melting into my skin
in the small tingle of the wind.

I found peace in your stare
in knowing that you were there
in your efflorescent laugh when it’s tangled with mine
in the way that your fingertips fall down my spine.

I found peace in you
like I found peace in mother nature
in everything that’s true.

That’s a gift that no one could have given to me
but you.

a.absi

See the original post at DeeperThanWordsBlog.wordpress.com

Journal Entry One: You Gave Me A Sense of Purpose

I have been using my second blog, Deeper Than Words, to post my creative writing; poems, short stories, lifestyle and journal entry posts. I figured that from now on I will put more of them here. After all, no blogger is just one specific genre behind a computer – they are human, and you should see the human side of me too. So, I’m going to post a series of journal entries – meaning, posts where I reflect on situations I find myself in in life; posts about those moments when I take a step back from the situation and think about it more as a whole. These posts can get pretty personal and sometimes very deep, but hey, that’s a part of being a writer. You can’t really be a good one unless you lay it all out there on the table. So, here it goes. Journal Entry One…

____________________________________________________________________________________

You gave me a sense of purpose.

You gave me a sense of purpose.

You gave me a sense of purpose.

The words continued to replay over and over in my head. “I… you know…” he stumbled, “It’s just when you were here you gave me a sense of purpose. I could have helped you. Or, well, I could have tried to. And now you’re not here and it’s just that I don’t have the incentive, the reminder, the bond with you that we have when you are around to remind me that I could have a purpose, that I could be good for something. It’s just hard. It’s hard.”

It hit me like one of those giant, unexpected waves I’ve almost drowned in on the shores of the Hamptons. The taller-than-you waves that curl over your body, that you might actually in reality expect but aren’t seriously prepared for even though you think there’s some way that you will indeed be able to handle its strength. I hated the waves. I hate the ocean but at the same time it’s my favorite thing. I’m afraid of it, and there aren’t many things that I am actually afraid of. It reminds me so much of this moment because this, too, this deep moment of honesty that had been stored for at a minimum of 4 years since I had been living away from my dad had been built up and then released over me. It hit me hard, and I tried to handle its strength but it brought me down anyway, and I was drowning in it.

I finally reached the top and felt the sun on my face. Gasping for air, I rubbed the salt out of my eyes, found my feet and buried them deep and hard into the sand below me and calmed myself. Sweet relief, sweet gratification, purity.

He knew it and I knew it too, that with the truth comes more truth. Before I could even speak he had filled in my words, “But I want you to live your life. That’s where you want to be and what you want to do and that’s what I want for you too, your happiness and to make your own choices.” I had my life to live and couldn’t change my destination or course to be what someone else needed rather than what I did. He understood me, and all at once I understood him too. I think I always did – I always knew this unspoken truth – it was just one that I wanted to stay under the water. I didn’t want to feel it, drowning me, yet it still did. And with the relief of it, I still felt the grains of salt burying themselves into my skin. They soon too will wash away, but I couldn’t help but think how unfair it was that they took me under in the first place. It hit me exactly how he didn’t want it to but needed it to all at the same time.

It felt unfair for him to throw that upon me. I am here and he is there and I wish every day for him to be better. I have tried with my kindest strength to be an incentive for his sobriety – calls every other day if not daily, understanding, loving tones, genuine love, kindness, motivating words. I thought that was enough but it never was and so I gave up.

Those moments, underneath, seeing glances of the sun shine through into the darkness as I searched my way to the top, the salt burning my eyes, are panic mode. Honesty is my favorite action yet the most unpredictable and breathtaking, for good and bad reasons of course, and instantly sweeps you off your feet and into panic. You see, that suffocating moment led me to a deeper understanding.

Maybe sometimes it is the healthiest decision to relieve yourself of your deepest feelings, but for others that relief can leave a burden. But then again, maybe sometimes that burden on us can be turned into less of a burden and more into a deeper understanding and perspective into that persons thoughts and your relationship with them. I’ve come to learn that the truth will, at one time or another, be revealed whether it’s from the person themselves or through some other revealing that might not be as pleasant – and that’s in a emotional and literal way. But regardless, the truth conquers all. Maintaining a healthy relationship is all about communication – honesty, perspective, understanding. All of these things my dad and I had together, and whether the truth did drown me for that moment or not, it was the gentle rawness of his feelings, the truth of it all, that I appreciated more than anything.

I think that’s something we all can (or more so need to) understand and appreciate – that sometimes the pain of drowning for a moment brings us the utter beauty and appreciation of the fresh air pulling deep into our lungs, and the sun shining on our skin.

 

P.S. – Yes, the header picture is me on the shore of the beach (known as ‘The End of the World’) in the Hamptons, NY. I was on vacation with my family there. We stayed in a tiny, old little hotel that legitimately rested on the ocean shore. The 6 of us would step out of our one bedroom shack at sunset and listen to the waves pouring onto our doorstep. It was magical. And yes, I almost drowned. True story (but then again, I can be a bit dramatic). XO

 

It’s Okay to Have Half-Assed Friends…

It wasn’t until this past weekend visiting home that I realized and understood what a good friend really is. I was dreading the thought of it – being home without a car, staying at my Grandmothers depressing house, having nowhere to even go! I knew the general routine – I spent time with my family and that was that. Rarely did I go home and spend any time with friends from home. It had gotten to the point that they have gone on with their lives without me. Yeah, we still kept in touch and were the same good pals we always were when we did hang out, but my effort was the only one that was present. Relentless texts and calls, to the point my brother snapped, “Are you kidding me? No, do not text her again. Why do you even try,” with a sassy ‘ugh’ and an eye roll. I realized then that I was just making a fool of myself. So, this weekend in particular, I made it clear in advanced that I would be home for the weekend. I wasn’t expecting them to drop their plans at my beck and call because I just so happened to be in town. Yet as predicted, they never called. But it was this visit home in particular that I truly felt I needed them, their comfort, the distraction. And still, nothing.

I had arranged a ride from the airport from a very close family friend who I have known for years, mainly for being best friends with my older brother, but had grown closer to me in the past year or so. She was there to get me, and how grateful I felt. I was intent on expressing my gratitude and desire to spend the day together after I got in, and we did just that. We had spoken briefly of spending some time the next day together as well, but I knew how that went. People have lives, they’re not always there to spend time with me when I need to. Life doesn’t stop for me, nor did I expect it to. It was destined to not happen. And yet it did. She was my mediator for an awkward brunch, my reliable driver and laughter for long car rides to visit my brother, my puppy cuddling, relationship gossiper for the rainy afternoon and she even chose dinner with me over it with her boyfriend. It was all so nonchalant, so natural, so easy. I went away, back to my second home, content and looking happily on the weekends visit – something I didn’t think I would feel. It was then that I realized good friends do exist, and after twenty-one years, I finally had one.

I’m a hopeless romantic, which means I’m an over-emotional, over-caring love giver in all types of relationships I get myself into, and it has always been hard to remember that not everyone is as caring and loving as I am. I would drop anything and everything for someone I care about, and never felt like anyone ever did the same in return, but that’s just who I am. Through much stress and frustration, it is not till this very day that for the first time I’m really starting to understand friendships, on a level I never thought possible, which is why I share this with you…

IT’S OKAY TO HAVE HALF-ASS FRIENDS. Lots of people half-ass their entire lives. Yeah, no, this is no excuse and doesn’t mean it’s okay to have bad friends, but it takes a lot of understanding to realize that even some of the half-ass ones are good friends.

A good friend is a different definition for everyone, but we all know the basic rules and that it takes caring and loving. It takes being there for that person when it really counts; maybe not for all of the weekend visits or random phone calls but when when they miss your birthday two times in a row, thats a deal breaker. When you need a shoulder and they’re never there, deal breaker. When you’re the one waiting all day to spend time with them and cancel all other plans and they go hang with other friends instead, deal breaker (yup, I’ve had to learn the hard way). These are pretty understandable things, but its tough realizing that not all people are going to be as caring as some, and they really just can’t. For many, it’s not in their genes. Not everyone is equal amounts of caring or giving or appreciative or reliable. And it’s not true, that ‘if they’re a real friend, if you really connect and bond and are soul mates, they will be the most caring and loving no matter what’ (this goes for relationships too). Its not like the movies for every person. It’s not all thoughtfulness and love and caring. they may not go to extremes for you like what you would do for them. It’s not taking it personally and understanding that that’s just who they are. It doesn’t mean that they’re not good friends, they may love you unconditionally, be there for you when it counts, and love you just as much as you love them, but don’t have the same level of understanding and ideals in terms of commitment and care that you do. But what makes people best friends are the ones who connects with you because you share the same level of understanding and desire in terms of being a good friend; they would do the same for you that you would do for them.

I’ve had a lot of half-assed friends. They most likely don’t see it as being half-assed, but i do just because I’m the type of person who gives it my everything, and it took my a long time to understand that IT’S OKAY, they’re still GOOD FRIENDS, they’re just not the same type of person I am. Any type of relationship requires balance and having needs fulfilled to make them flourish, but some people will never meet your needs and you either have to accept that they aren’t that type of person and love them anyway, or move on. Maybe you’re not the type to give it you’re all and wear your heart on your sleeve but you need a friend who is, and vice versa. It’s understanding the type of person you are, understanding the type of people you’re dealing with and what will come from the relationship, realizing what you need and accepting what you can’t have and loving them anyway. Man, life’s complicated, as are you and everyone else, and we’re all just trying to figure each other out, one step at a time. We’re all unique in our own way and it’s understanding peoples individualities that make it all so interesting. Therefore, always remember, everyone’s different, and it’s okay.

Falling in Love…

I do this really awful thing, called falling in love…

And I don’t do it casually. I do it madly, deeply, to an extreme; to the point my heart is spilled out on the floor and I’m dragging it wherever I go.

You see, I do this really awful thing, called falling in love… I engulf myself into the lives of others and make it mine, because why would they not love me more that way, involved in what they love? Why would I not love what they love, solely because such a beautiful person loves it? I get lost in the swirling sea of their life.

You see, I do this really awful thing, called falling in love… Their single glance, their tone, their actions towards me dictate my emotions and drowns my days. I take my dragging heart through woods, puddles, let it get stomped on by boots, and yet it still holds on and loves just the same. Maybe stronger because it was so weak.

And that’s why it’s such an awful thing, falling in love. I let my heart fall so brutally to the floor and leave a hole in my chest, with none left for me. It falls so quickly that it has no time to breathe, decide, realize…

Maybe one day, I’ll be a little wiser, softer, lovelier… Maybe one day, it won’t be such an awful thing, falling in love…

 

Deeper Than Words Blog…

After some long thought, I have decided to make another blog! This one in particular is just for my writing. Poetry, creative writing, short stories, photography and inspiration from other writers, it will all be there. The title The Style Studies just didn’t suit my creative writing style 😛 so therefore, I’m introducing Deeper Than Words.  

Check it out and if you like what you see, follow subscribe & share! 

xo 

Invincible…

It’s a funny thing

How  when we’re out of love and all alone,

Our hearts feel like they

Can never be broken again,

And what an invincible feeling that is.

But

It’s a funny thing

How when we’re falling in love and are treasured,

Our hearts feel like they

Are finally full,

And what an invincible feeling that is.

 

-a.a.

 

 

image via Alexandra Absi… See more photography by me @ vsco.com/alexandraabsi

 

 

Lovely Words: Rebeka Anne

I haven’t done one of these LW posts in awhile, but have been drooling over Rebeka Anne’s poetry these past few weeks. She gets to the depths of the soul and really expresses love in a beautiful way! Im such a sucker for poetry, and she has by far became one of the best poets I’ve came across. I discovered her on tumblr. You can visit her tumblr page @AnneIsRestless and see more of her poetry here… Now here are a few of my favourite pieces by her… Enjoy!

soul mates

“I’m leaving you. After months of
waking up loving you just as much
if not more than the night before,
I’ve realized you’re the one. My
soul mate. So I’m leaving you
because as it is, this will never
work. I saw the light at the end
of the tunnel in you – heaven in
the palm of your hand – and I
knew I wasn’t ready. We’re not
ready. My insides are still too
twisted, you haven’t ticked
enough boxes on your bucket
list and I’m not willing to lose
you over bad timing. I’m leaving
you, and I hope you never delete
my number from your phone,
and I hope one day when I call
you will be waiting.”

morning

“Dear lover. Dear songbird. Dear
sweet sign that something good
is coming, I’m writing to tell you
that nothing has felt as warm as
you smiling at me. I’m writing 
to tell you that sometimes you
hear the birds before you can 
see the sun rising and that my
night has been so long. Long and
deep. Deep and dark. Dear 
morning, I’m writing to tell you
I heard you and I’m running to 
you and I don’t know what’s coming but it’s good.” 

I’d still choose your cold over anything else

“I could be writing a poem
about hurt, about how it’s
disappointing to open the
windows on a sunny day and
have it be cold. All I can say
is that you are daylight and
that it’s always enough, even
if the bitterness stings.”

the crazy things we do

“So instead of saying I love you
just to hear you say it back, I tie
myself up on a railroad. I lock
myself up in a tower, I fall
asleep and promise you there
is no way to wake me other
than to push your stubborn
mouth against mine. And you
do. A thousand times, and then
a thousand times more after
that and you wonder why I
can’t ever seem to save myself.
And I wonder why you can’t
just tell me you love me so I can
stop making excuses for you to
show it.”

XO,

A

p.s. don’t forget to check out her page please…. there’s so much more beauty to see….

The Best I Could Be

I tried the best I could

To be the best I could

For even the worst of you

Just so you could be the best you could to me.

But the best I could wasn’t good enough

To make you the best you could be to me.

And even when I see the sun shining from your eyes

And flowers sprouting

With every step that rises from the dirt

I trail behind

Dragging weeds

Because that’s the best I can be.

A tiny weed

Scattered through your flowers

Because what you see of me

Is what I have come to be

And the best I will ever be

Is as great as you make me.

I see the best in you

But you don’t see the best in me

And therefore we can never be.

Even though this is the truth

I will stay and admire you

Until the weeds have eaten all your flowers away

And you ask me to leave.

But until then

I will be the best that I can be

For even the worst of you.

·A